(Originally written on October 27, 2010)
I am aware that as a parent, there will be many scary moments, and I will be in constant worry about my child's safety and well-being. I can somewhat empathize now with my mom, who has sometimes been overbearing with her concern, but whose heart always came from the right place. Being a mom is not an easy job, and as someone whose baby isn't even around the dangers of the outside world, I've already had my share of fears. I wish you would tell me that it gets easier, but I know it will only get tougher in the years to come...
So we went to our first prenatal visit with the doctor and though I didn't think I would be, the moment I sat down in the waiting room, my heart rate quickened, my palms became sweaty and I couldn't think straight.
I saw another mother in the corner, humming quietly to her baby in the stroller, looked around and saw a million parenting magazines and started to freak out -- just a little bit.
ME? A mom? Uh.... am I ready? Will I be any good? How do I do it? I don't even think I know how to hold one! (Seriously.)
Luckily, hubs was with me and he took my hand as he sensed my nervousness and told me not to worry about anything and that I'll be great.
20 minutes later, I was lying on the table while the doctor performed an ultrasound...
30 seconds later, he said my lining was thick (that's a good thing)... but....
he couldn't see the baby.
*record screeches to a halt*
Ok, so in all fairness, I had a feeling this might happen. Because my cycle became irregular EVER SINCE we started TTC, I had a feeling we conceived a lot later than had I been on the standard 28 day cycle. Meaning, you can see a baby in an ultrasound starting at 7 weeks, but I was probably at 4...
Still.. the news stabbed me in the heart. I used everything I had in me to hold back the tears that so badly wanted to come out.
"What does this mean?" I asked the doctor. All I heard was, "...could still be too early to see the baby... could be a chemical pregnancy.. or an ectopic one... but we can't say for sure."
I was devastated... but I knew deep down that there really was a baby in there. I had dreams that I was pregnant; I felt weird stuff going on in my lower abdomen; I couldn't have made any of that up... right?
I had bloodwork done to confirm whether or not I was pregnant. I had to wait 24 hours for the results to come (OMG, the longest 24 hours ever), THEN I had to wait another 24 hours to have some more bloodwork done to test some other hormone level that should increase dramatically if indeed I was pregnant.
I knew in my heart that OUR baby was in me.... so I stayed positive....
It took FOR-EH-VER to get through the advice line to hear my bloodwork results, but when I finally got a hold of someone, she told me that I was in fact pregnant (Hallelujah!), but in the VERY early stages. They wanted me to come back the next day for one more blood test to make sure everything was developing the way it should.
Two weeks later we came back for another ultrasound. I wasn't sure what to expect. Would we be able to hear the heartbeat? Would we be able to see something this time?
We sure did.
Meet Baby T: 6 weeks, 4 days and .31 inches long. Healthy and perfect.